Roller coaster

A lot has happened since I last wrote. So much, in fact, I am wondering not only "What's next" but when the fuck is it going to stop? Dealing with a person who is mentally ill, the roller coaster hasn't stopped since I officially divorced. Clandestine beauty pageants for my daughter without my permission, among other disturbing behaviors, to constant alienation of my kids from the other party. I finally had to try to put a stop to it so now I am in a disgusting cycle of the family court system. I even hired a lawyer for my kids to have them determine what was in the best interest  of my kids. Well, it didn't stop there nor did that go anywhere until recently when the other party decided to use my kids against me. And was caught. How do you co-parent with someone when they ultimately do not do what is in the best interest of THEIR children? Now they are dealing with the ramifications of what I call a clusterfuck of a case. My kids have to deal with their father as an emotional abuser. Want to know why you can't pinpoint or explain to others why the environment they live in part time is emotionally stunting? Because EMOTIONAL SCARS do not show. It's easy to point to bruises that are physically seen on the body. Scars that tear apart the mental fortitude of a person are not visible. Nor is any of this easy to talk about. I was willing to move on, because according to the court system, that's what was best. But now they are seeing what I am dealing with and talking about and why I did this in the first place. I didn't want my kids to suffer; yet, now they are suffering. I can't change the lessons they have to learn in this life but I can do my damnedest to ensure that they can get through this becoming stronger individuals as they turn into adults.

I also had to leave a job that was just like being in an abusive relationship. Being unemployed is hard. But I know that I made the best decision for myself in order for me to be mentally prepared for this long, hard battle. Then my dad died. I had to watch him die. It happened within 12 hours. No one or thing prepared me for that kind of loss. My dad was my rock and he stood by me and supported me through endless mistakes and mishaps.

However, some joyful things have happened, too. I have found a man that is, in one word, awesome. He is the kind of man my father would of approved. His sensitivity and curiosity about the world matches mine and for that I am grateful. He has also been a rock during this incredibly stressful time and I don't know what I would have done without him being there. Oh, I would still endure; but it sure is nice to have someone by my side.

I am grateful for many things and during this time I have discovered many things about my personality, strength, resilience, and physical presence. I vow to work on not losing myself to the future. I vow to not take my thoughts personally. I vow to one day, soon, quit smoking. I vow to continue to honor my children and their place in this life. I vow to honor the man that I love. I vow to one day, every day, live this life in the present. That is a lesson my dad's death has taught me; however, I do get caught up in the irritating minutia of this modern life.

So I will, from this day forward, not only ask "What's next?" but to value that saying as it brings forth more enlightenment into my future. Because as we all know, the next second, the next minute is actually the future.