Instinct primitif

I have been trying to hone in on my gut instinct, or what other's call, intuition. As I look back on my past I realize how much I ignored that secret fellow. I am going to call him, (yes, him), Prime. Prime was trying to tell me things. I could list the actual situations, what Prime was telling me about them, and how often I ignored him due to my "logical" side winning out every time. But as I get older, I am listening to Prime more and more often and ignoring the logical second guesser. It's taken me awhile to achieve that balance. In fact, I don't think I have paid any attention to Prime until recently. He was starved for attention. And deservedly so.

Let's look at some real life examples. 1) My first relationship was a tense one after the first year. I knew in my gut that it wasn't a good one but ignored Prime waving those red flags in my face because my second guesser was strong. 2) My job in a university was melting down and I knew it. Prime was screaming at me. I just let him-I thought he needed an outlet. 3) My move to my current city was based on an idealistic vision of the love I thought waited for me. Prime hammered at me and I just gave him a block and nails so he could do his thing and I could go on ignoring him. 4) My second real relationship was also full of red flags and Prime was dancing in the living room of my mind; yet, I just let him dance. I knew he was speaking to me through his dance but I went ahead and did my own thing anyway. 5) The goings on with my ex and my children had Prime staring me straight in the face. It wasn't until I finally lost the argument with my intellectual side that I did something about it and when I did, I knew I was on the right track following Prime. 6) My last job was dealing with a crazy person. I thought I could manage. And I did for four years but finally something happened-Prime spoke loud and clear and instead of trying to rationalize, I listened. I took his advice and I haven't felt that unburdened in such a long time.

When I met the man I am dating now, Prime stayed quiet. I kept listening to what he might have to say but he said nothing. I went on my merry way with that man and Prime has still kept quiet. Prime has not shown up in my emotions toward this man and I take that as a very good sign.

So Prime has been trying to lead me for a long time. I know, looking back, how often I ignored him. He must have been hurt. I know I would have been. But he hasn't deserted me. To this day, if a situation comes up, I look to him first, as I realize that he has been with me through thick and thin, and still hasn't left me.

Thank you, Prime. For your patience, your forgiveness, and most of all, your resilience! Moral: Trust your gut. 12/11/2013-Here is a link to an article that talks about our gut instincts: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/5-gut-instincts-you-dont-want-ignore.html

Roller coaster

A lot has happened since I last wrote. So much, in fact, I am wondering not only "What's next" but when the fuck is it going to stop? Dealing with a person who is mentally ill, the roller coaster hasn't stopped since I officially divorced. Clandestine beauty pageants for my daughter without my permission, among other disturbing behaviors, to constant alienation of my kids from the other party. I finally had to try to put a stop to it so now I am in a disgusting cycle of the family court system. I even hired a lawyer for my kids to have them determine what was in the best interest  of my kids. Well, it didn't stop there nor did that go anywhere until recently when the other party decided to use my kids against me. And was caught. How do you co-parent with someone when they ultimately do not do what is in the best interest of THEIR children? Now they are dealing with the ramifications of what I call a clusterfuck of a case. My kids have to deal with their father as an emotional abuser. Want to know why you can't pinpoint or explain to others why the environment they live in part time is emotionally stunting? Because EMOTIONAL SCARS do not show. It's easy to point to bruises that are physically seen on the body. Scars that tear apart the mental fortitude of a person are not visible. Nor is any of this easy to talk about. I was willing to move on, because according to the court system, that's what was best. But now they are seeing what I am dealing with and talking about and why I did this in the first place. I didn't want my kids to suffer; yet, now they are suffering. I can't change the lessons they have to learn in this life but I can do my damnedest to ensure that they can get through this becoming stronger individuals as they turn into adults.

I also had to leave a job that was just like being in an abusive relationship. Being unemployed is hard. But I know that I made the best decision for myself in order for me to be mentally prepared for this long, hard battle. Then my dad died. I had to watch him die. It happened within 12 hours. No one or thing prepared me for that kind of loss. My dad was my rock and he stood by me and supported me through endless mistakes and mishaps.

However, some joyful things have happened, too. I have found a man that is, in one word, awesome. He is the kind of man my father would of approved. His sensitivity and curiosity about the world matches mine and for that I am grateful. He has also been a rock during this incredibly stressful time and I don't know what I would have done without him being there. Oh, I would still endure; but it sure is nice to have someone by my side.

I am grateful for many things and during this time I have discovered many things about my personality, strength, resilience, and physical presence. I vow to work on not losing myself to the future. I vow to not take my thoughts personally. I vow to one day, soon, quit smoking. I vow to continue to honor my children and their place in this life. I vow to honor the man that I love. I vow to one day, every day, live this life in the present. That is a lesson my dad's death has taught me; however, I do get caught up in the irritating minutia of this modern life.

So I will, from this day forward, not only ask "What's next?" but to value that saying as it brings forth more enlightenment into my future. Because as we all know, the next second, the next minute is actually the future.

Let go of expectations

It's so hard to let go of expectations. We all have them in every aspect of our life-from how we want our life to go, to how people should act and behave, to our relationships. For a long time I didn't realize that a lot of my mental madness in the past was due to my "expectations" of the situation not being met.

How do you let them go? You don't have any. Changing your views of a situation comes with accepting the present moment as it is. Why is that so hard? Why is it so hard to actually maintain your mind in the same moment as your physical presence? Because as human beings we tend to want, which leads our mind to think about the past and then jump to the future. And, ergo, the seeds of expectations have been planted.

It takes a conscious effort to stay in the present moment. I work on it every moment of every day. I feel the calm. And the expectations, like balloons, float off into the ether.
Just need to remind myself....

Life-live it like you love it!

      Today is a snow day as we are getting pelted with ice. Ice covers the ground and clings to the branches of the trees. Metaphorically, the ice reminds me of how not too recently my negative thoughts clung to the branches of my mind. For the past two years I have learned how to turn those thoughts into water, to let them flow into the path of least resistance, and oh what a relief it is to release them! Granted, they pop up every now and then but they don't take over!
      I was in a relationship for 17 years. It was a tense relationship wrought with negativity, jealousy, and  passive aggressive behavior. I walked on egg shells for years. I am a problem solver and my thinking during the relationship was to try to solve the problem of helping my partner find happiness so there would be peace in the house. In order to do that, I made things happen: School, jobs, moving, etc. Over time, nothing changed and I got tired; so tired, in fact, that I quit. From that time on, I vowed to never lose myself again and set out to determine the source of my own conflict. Through therapy, myriad readings, and too much rumination, I have a much better understanding about my thoughts and their affectations.
     I have jumped back into life-right now I am in the process of finding my best friend and some of these posts will talk about the "men" I interchange with online and my own thoughts on dating. I know I have reached enlightenment for my own life-although it is a constant, daily, work-in-progress. Here's to life!

What's Next?

 I am constantly asking myself, "What's next?" For the way I perceive and the way I think about my career, my life, my kids, my brethren and others that occupy this space and time with me, are forever evolving and changing. It's all pretty interesting and I wanted to share.

Blog is work in progress!